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Monday, August 30, 2010

Lars Von Why

Lars Von Trier. I could start with The Five Obstructions, a movie which every film major has dedicated atleast 3 coffees worth of discussion. . . or perhaps Dancer in the Dark, which every Bjork fan there ever was drooled over and grew to love her even more. . . or what about Breaking The Waves, which some people cried at more than Titanic. . .

And then there was The Kingdom. Words cannot express how much I love The Kingdom, how much Stephen King screwed up the American adaptation, how much i don't understand the symbolism of the aardvark, or how gross the freakishly deformed "little brother" is. Regardless, The Kingdom is high up on the list of "fucked up foreign movies you must watch" as well as "most hilarious opening credits where the synth electro beat is completely inappropriate for the genre."





Meanwhile, there's Alexander Skarsgård aka Eric Northman aka the hottest man on television since Jordan Catalano. Son to Stellan Skarsgård, one of the greatest things to come out of Sweden since Abba.

Charlotte Gainsbourg is Serge Gainsbourg's daughter.

John Hurt was in Home Alone.

Kiefer Sutherland was the most bad ass vampire ever in The Lost Boys.

What's this have to do with Kiki? Lars Von Trier wrote and directed, Melancholia, which is starring both Skarsgårds, Charlotte Gainsbourg, John Hurt, Kiefer Sutherland AND kirsten Dunst.

That's like forming a band with John Lennon, Stewart Copeland, Stevie Wonder, Jaco Pastorius, and then getting Rob Thomas as the lead singer.

That's like contracting IM Pei to design your building, hiring Rafael to paint a mural inside, having all the furniture designed by Henry Miller, getting Olmsted to design your backyard, and then finishing it off with Ikea curtains.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sounds like Kirsten. . . but better


The Kirsten Doll
Sure, Samantha had cooler furniture, Felicity was a ginger, and Molly had hipster glasses, but the Kirsten doll was a Heidi-braid wearing Swede whose original accessories include both a wooden spoon and a spoon bag! Kirsten surpassed the Swedish stereotype of lovers of red candy fish and long legs to show the rough frontier world that she was brave and steadfast by being sensitive to animals despite a fear of small spaces. Okay, I have no idea what Kirsten did since I never got into the American Girl Conglomerate dolls, but her blonde hair looks more natural than Kiki’s.


Kristen Bell
Star of a show whose theme song is by The Dandy Warhols? The bitch Sarah Marshall? Capable of controlling energy in that show about Heroes, I forget what it’s called, that was pretty good at one point? The voice of Gossip Girl? If that’s not enough, a quick search in IMDB.com reveals that she was in Pootie Tang, recipient of a “Special thanks” from America’s Next Top Model, and will be starring in Ken Kwapis’s (remember him from Dunston Checks In???) new hilarious movie entitled “Everybody Loves Whales!”


Thurston Moore
Have you ever seen this guy? He’s 6’6.” Have you ever seen Kirsten Dunst? She is 5’6.” That’s a full foot-long sub of height difference between the two. He was also in that band, uh, Sonic Youth.


Thurston vs. Kiki on what they want to do in the future:

Thurston Moore: “I really want to do a book on the history of the no-wave music scene in New York, how it extended out and formed lots of other things. It was such a great visual culture.”

Kirsten Dunst: “I'd like to grow up and be beautiful. I know it doesn't matter, but it doesn't hurt."

Fred Durst
While Limp Bizkit might not be on my current playlist, here are some simple facts to ponder:

  1. Fred Durst is a hidden playable character in 3 separate video games.

  2. Fred Durst has a sex tape

  3. Fred Durst was in Zoolander

  4. Fred Durst dated Britney Spears before she shaved her head

  5. Fred Durst was quoted as saying "I don't think you should mellow out. This is 1999, motherfuckers - stick those Birkenstocks up your ass!" during Woodstock 99

Friday, August 13, 2010

I don't want Kiki on my trivia team

In 1997, along with fellow child stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and some blonde dude, Kirsten graced the airwaves on Celebrity Jeopardy. We can learn a lot about her from this clip, like how she guested on E.R., clearly has never watched tv, and makes scary faces when she gets things wrong.

Alex: "Of Venus, Mars or Saturn, the planet whose mean distance from the sun is 67, 230, 000 miles."
Kirsten answers: "What is Pluto"

What is Pluto? Good question Kirsten. The answer is not one of the options in the multiple choice question presented to you.


Thursday, August 12, 2010

Future Movie Project
























I heard from a friend of a friend of a friend of an acquaintance that Ken Kwapis is following up his hilarious family romp "Dunston Checks In" with "Dunst Checks In" starring everyone's' favorite thespian K. Dunst. The plot is still in the works, but I've heard Kwapis is making the film for more mature audiences by focusing on the character development of K. as she enters rehab and befriends an older, subtly handsome Kyle Grant (from the original film.) Through a series of mystical tomfoolery and supernatural shenanigans, K. and the monkey switch bodies! I can't wait for this movie to come out!

Turning Green



















Watch the video

Dear All Japanese People:
I feel like I should personally apologize for Kirsten Dunst's behavior in this video.

Dear All Artists:
I regret to inform you that this video was actually shown in a reputable art gallery known as the Tate Modern Art Gallery in London. Have you heard of it? There is no hope for modern art. Sorry.

Regretfully yours,
Me.

Ruining Another Would-Be Mediocre Song

Approximately 2 hours ago, while listening to a Grandaddy Pandora station, West Coast by Coconut Records came on.

Ok, not bad. . . downloaded it. . .started listening. . . what's that horrible prepubescent sound overlapping Jason Schwartzman's nasal whine? . . . wikipedia. . . KIRSTEN DUNST!!!! If her apathetic attempt at singing just like Zooey Deschanel was not insulting enough, at one point (1:19 in the song) she even laughs at her own self-proclaimed witty duet. Which reminds me to mention my future blog, ZooeyDeschanelStoleMyHaircut.blogspot.com


Snaggle, snaggle

Ugstic

Well, it's official. The internet hates Kirsten Dunst so much that when I created this blog, the internet made a Freudian slip by formulating "Ugstic" for word verification. Yes, it's true, Kirsten Dunst is an Ugstic, or was atleast beaten with one as a child.