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Friday, February 25, 2011

Take it From Ryan. . .

Poet Ryan Gosling had this to say about the immortal baby vampire:
“Whatever dragons she’d been chasing, she chased them and trapped and slew ’em between action and cut,” . . .“You weren’t watching somebody who was unlocking something in themselves, and then because they’d finally exposed it maybe they could retire. You felt like you were watching somebody unlock something, and now that it had been exposed they could get started.”
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Kirsten's acting is so bad that her leading man thought that she was playing a dragon slayer? Did Kirsten steal Gosling's key to his locked diary of impromptu poetry slams? Whatever the case may be, it sounds scary to work with Kiki!

Which leads me to: The Wisdom of Ryan Gosling

She's like Montana. If you want to get anywhere in Montana, you have to sit tight. - Ryan Gosling on Michelle Williams

I think American news is pretty tragic in general. I can't tell the difference between "Entertainment Tonight" and the news. - Ryan Gosling on the news.

"That book is so fucked up; that story’s the worst. I mean, at the end the tree is a stump and the old guy just sitting on him; he’s just used him to death, and you’re supposed to want to be the tree? Fuck you. You be the tree. I don’t want to be the tree." - Ryan Gosling on "The Giving Tree"

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Kiki Vs. America

Kirsten Dunst hates America. Or atleast American tailors. According to Contactmusic, the fauxfashionista herself said "I think it''s all to do with heritage and where you're from. Because of that, the way Americans look and the way you (British)look is totally different. You have this history with tailoring and those little school boy uniforms. You just don't get that in New York," said Dunst."

Okay, so maybe England has been tailoring a bit longer than America has, since well, the whole Columbus discovering America in 1492 thing. But um, the new settlers were from England. So, unless every settler experienced some brain related injury while aboard the turbulent sea, its a safe bet that quite a few people knew how to sew in the same fashion as their still-British counterparts.

Besides, remember this ole' chap, Oliver Twist? His clothes look like shit!

So lay off your insults to American tailors, KiKi! Besides, you're no Twiggy

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Monday, August 30, 2010

Lars Von Why

Lars Von Trier. I could start with The Five Obstructions, a movie which every film major has dedicated atleast 3 coffees worth of discussion. . . or perhaps Dancer in the Dark, which every Bjork fan there ever was drooled over and grew to love her even more. . . or what about Breaking The Waves, which some people cried at more than Titanic. . .

And then there was The Kingdom. Words cannot express how much I love The Kingdom, how much Stephen King screwed up the American adaptation, how much i don't understand the symbolism of the aardvark, or how gross the freakishly deformed "little brother" is. Regardless, The Kingdom is high up on the list of "fucked up foreign movies you must watch" as well as "most hilarious opening credits where the synth electro beat is completely inappropriate for the genre."

Meanwhile, there's Alexander Skarsgård aka Eric Northman aka the hottest man on television since Jordan Catalano. Son to Stellan Skarsgård, one of the greatest things to come out of Sweden since Abba.

Charlotte Gainsbourg is Serge Gainsbourg's daughter.

John Hurt was in Home Alone.

Kiefer Sutherland was the most bad ass vampire ever in The Lost Boys.

What's this have to do with Kiki? Lars Von Trier wrote and directed, Melancholia, which is starring both Skarsgårds, Charlotte Gainsbourg, John Hurt, Kiefer Sutherland AND kirsten Dunst.

That's like forming a band with John Lennon, Stewart Copeland, Stevie Wonder, Jaco Pastorius, and then getting Rob Thomas as the lead singer.

That's like contracting IM Pei to design your building, hiring Rafael to paint a mural inside, having all the furniture designed by Henry Miller, getting Olmsted to design your backyard, and then finishing it off with Ikea curtains.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sounds like Kirsten. . . but better

The Kirsten Doll
Sure, Samantha had cooler furniture, Felicity was a ginger, and Molly had hipster glasses, but the Kirsten doll was a Heidi-braid wearing Swede whose original accessories include both a wooden spoon and a spoon bag! Kirsten surpassed the Swedish stereotype of lovers of red candy fish and long legs to show the rough frontier world that she was brave and steadfast by being sensitive to animals despite a fear of small spaces. Okay, I have no idea what Kirsten did since I never got into the American Girl Conglomerate dolls, but her blonde hair looks more natural than Kiki’s.

Kristen Bell
Star of a show whose theme song is by The Dandy Warhols? The bitch Sarah Marshall? Capable of controlling energy in that show about Heroes, I forget what it’s called, that was pretty good at one point? The voice of Gossip Girl? If that’s not enough, a quick search in reveals that she was in Pootie Tang, recipient of a “Special thanks” from America’s Next Top Model, and will be starring in Ken Kwapis’s (remember him from Dunston Checks In???) new hilarious movie entitled “Everybody Loves Whales!”

Thurston Moore
Have you ever seen this guy? He’s 6’6.” Have you ever seen Kirsten Dunst? She is 5’6.” That’s a full foot-long sub of height difference between the two. He was also in that band, uh, Sonic Youth.

Thurston vs. Kiki on what they want to do in the future:

Thurston Moore: “I really want to do a book on the history of the no-wave music scene in New York, how it extended out and formed lots of other things. It was such a great visual culture.”

Kirsten Dunst: “I'd like to grow up and be beautiful. I know it doesn't matter, but it doesn't hurt."

Fred Durst
While Limp Bizkit might not be on my current playlist, here are some simple facts to ponder:

  1. Fred Durst is a hidden playable character in 3 separate video games.

  2. Fred Durst has a sex tape

  3. Fred Durst was in Zoolander

  4. Fred Durst dated Britney Spears before she shaved her head

  5. Fred Durst was quoted as saying "I don't think you should mellow out. This is 1999, motherfuckers - stick those Birkenstocks up your ass!" during Woodstock 99

Friday, August 13, 2010

I don't want Kiki on my trivia team

In 1997, along with fellow child stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and some blonde dude, Kirsten graced the airwaves on Celebrity Jeopardy. We can learn a lot about her from this clip, like how she guested on E.R., clearly has never watched tv, and makes scary faces when she gets things wrong.

Alex: "Of Venus, Mars or Saturn, the planet whose mean distance from the sun is 67, 230, 000 miles."
Kirsten answers: "What is Pluto"

What is Pluto? Good question Kirsten. The answer is not one of the options in the multiple choice question presented to you.